No wonder marriage divorce rate is so high. So many have negative thoughts around it. Why does being married mean life is over? I have had coworkers make fun of me for eating healthy as "there is no need for that once you're married". I have had family members promise me I will be unhappy in my marriage. People tell me and my husband we are "stuck" together now. I know it's all light-hearted fun, but all that friction starts a fire.
I once had a coworker come into the beak room while I was eating a salad go off about how I eat healthy all the time and should just eat some chocolate for once as I was "engaged anyway". It was as though my healthy eating personally offended her. People look at me like I have two heads when I say I enjoy running and ask, "Why do you even exercise, you're married now". People tell me I no longer need to dress nice or wear makeup now that I'm married. It annoys me that everyone thinks I do this for a man. I do it for myself and my marriage. I want to be healthy and look good and I'm sure my husband wants the same for me (and I for him).
I use social media to express my gratitude for my husband. People seem surprised I actually like my husband. "You still think he's great? Well I guess you have been married less than a year, just you wait." Why would our marriage go downhill? I know it's not all rainbows and butterflies, but your words of "encouragement" do not help.
"You don't miss going out and having fun?" Going out and having fun are two different things. No, I don't miss going out and meeting douche bags. Getting married sounds like leaving the party, but I left the party with the best guy. My husband and I are having fun in the sun on the boat while everyone else is nursing a hangover.
What if instead of making ball and chain references people made remarks of how we're free to start an adventure together? Instead of scoffing at us still trying to be healthy and look good, people complimented and recognized our hard work.
Being married doesn't mean you stop trying, it means you try every day.
Nice! Yes, agreed. Completely with you. And I've been married almost 10 years now. I thought the same, and continue to think the same, as you do about those comments from others and about my marriage. (Btw, people assume that I must be a newlywed.)
ReplyDeleteHere's one to try: Get a shirt that says something about loving your husband. I wore a tank top that said "I love my hubby" to a girls/youth softball game, and the looks and comments from the other moms were horrendous. One said to me, with shock and disgust, "Oh.my.god.I would *never* wear that." Obviously, this says a lot more about other people than me...
Here's another level to this: My husband had a previous marriage that was truly hellish, because his ex was an abuser. He didn't realize this, typical to victims of emotional abuse (and men), and a major part of why he didn't realize he was in an abusive relationship was all of the messages he heard about marriage just being hell from our culture. He literally thought that this just what he had gotten into, he was worthless, his marriage was never going to get better, and that's just how it is. He specifically recalls hearing comedians mock their wives and talk about how marriage is so bad that he literally thought, "Oh, so this is just normal." So, you are completely right: the messages from others are hurting marriages, creating self-fulfilling prophesies, and also keeping people in emotionally abusive relationships.
Nice! Yes, agreed. Completely with you. And I've been married almost 10 years now. I thought the same, and continue to think the same, as you do about those comments from others and about my marriage. (Btw, people assume that I must be a newlywed.)
ReplyDeleteHere's one to try: Get a shirt that says something about loving your husband. I wore a tank top that said "I love my hubby" to a girls/youth softball game, and the looks and comments from the other moms were horrendous. One said to me, with shock and disgust, "Oh.my.god.I would *never* wear that." Obviously, this says a lot more about other people than me...
Here's another level to this: My husband had a previous marriage that was truly hellish, because his ex was an abuser. He didn't realize this, typical to victims of emotional abuse (and men), and a major part of why he didn't realize he was in an abusive relationship was all of the messages he heard about marriage just being hell from our culture. He literally thought that this just what he had gotten into, he was worthless, his marriage was never going to get better, and that's just how it is. He specifically recalls hearing comedians mock their wives and talk about how marriage is so bad that he literally thought, "Oh, so this is just normal." So, you are completely right: the messages from others are hurting marriages, creating self-fulfilling prophesies, and also keeping people in emotionally abusive relationships.